On Seasons of Joy & Despair
+ Links to best 2024 books & more
Even as I appreciate the beauty of the trees turning red and gold and the poetry of leaves gently falling to nourish the dry earth, I feel a sadness and dread with the yearly arrival of autumn.
The body’s adjustment to the fall season of shedding, loss, shorter days and grayer skies can be a brutal bridge to cross. Loneliness can strike in a much sharper, more isolating way. Memories of those we’ve lost or have been estranged from can surface with painful clarity. The ache of an unhealed heartbreak can strike deeper and more quickly slip into the throat and crack open a cry. Delayed decisions or postponed responsibilities can feel so heavy that they seem as if they’re looming over or stalking me. (Case in point: the US elections. I was so relieved when my ballot finally appeared in my mailbox and I could cast my vote instead of waiting another month until election day, Now I’m mulling over other difficult decisions.)
The autumn blues have been visiting me as long as I can remember. In my case, it’s not just about the weather or anything environmental. It’s not about going back to school or anything about routines. It feels ancestral, and not just as a thread in my own lineage. I think we all are a part of this thread that extends beyond homo sapiens to include other animals as well. Not all of us feel it so strongly because some of our lineages have more successfully evolved ways to approach it. This is my theory...
These days, I’m reflecting a lot on joy. First because joy is a effective blues-balancer, but also because we in the US recently heard a lot about joy and maybe felt a dose of it ourselves. We dubbed the season “Summer of Joy” until it waned with the coming of September (Go Kamala!). This kind of collective joy in response to a sudden uptick in good news and emergence of fresh possibilities is natural and real, but is also a strategy--a truly necessary one when the past has been so unthinkably dark and the future is under an even greater threat.
I think of parents who teach their children to draw the corners of their mouths upwards in a Mona Lisa-esque resting smile. I used to think this practice was born out of superficiality and the false need to appear happy to the eyes of the world. Then, I learned that the body doesn’t distinguish between real of fake smiles, and responds to each with an equal measure of “biological joy.”
Biological joy: our neurotransmitters ignite our nerves and other bodily cells with a bouncy hormonal cocktail of dopamine (pleasure), serotonin (anti-depression), endorphins (painkiller) and oxytocin (love and connection) that wakes up the heart, dilates the pupils, paints a rose on each of our cheeks and tends to open us up to the wonder of life.
Joy colors the world in all seasons. In summer it’s a more bold, unbridled, ecstatic experience and in autumn it purrs and reflects like a soft creature held in strong, cozy arms.
Joy can fuel the confidence required to face difficult things--as noted in Emma Goldman’s famous words, “If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be part of your revolution.” Struggle without a drop of joy is basically torture, and when partnered with joy, struggle can become more like an adventure or a game.
Joy can be a layered experience that is defiant, vigilant, righteous, and even kind of angry--in both helpful and harmful ways. Joy is motivating, but not always safe; it can bravely preserve lives or mindlessly drive them towards danger. Other emotions--such as fear--are better designed for our safety and immediate self-preservation when healthy and proportional to our actual experience.
Joy is generally fleeting; its beauty is in impermanence. Grasping for fading joy only amplifies the misery of its disappearance. Autumn joy seems to be more mature than in summer and is flavored by the wisdom we find during any kind of loss.
After all is said and done, joy can be exhausting. Too much burns out like a lightbulb that needs switching off in order to cool. I want a little joy in every day but, most days, not too much.
Joy can release layers of unnecessary and/or stuck energy and boost morale. Post-joy, I feel clear and ready to connect and do. I’m more likely to form pearls from my irritation and less likely to lapse into excessive navel-gazing.
I wonder how you are this autumn or whatever season you’re in (?)
I’m happy that you’re here. I hope you’re okay--and if not, that you’re getting the support you need, from yourself and from others.
LINKS THAT MADE ME LOOK & LINGER
This year I’ve read fewer books than in recent years but have savored each book more. Here are two of my favorite books of 2024 so far, with short reviews that highlight how they can be enjoyed.
My 2 favorite books of 2024
"Martyr" a novel by Kaveh Akbar. Martyr is irreverent and spiritual, plundering the idea of self and the immigrant experience while blurring the lines between the sacred and the profane. Set against a backdrop of cultural and personal fragmentation, Martyr grapples with questions of sacrifice, devotion and belonging. The language is startling, lush, evocative, often humorous and always deeply human. Kaveh Akbar is a great storyteller. Complicated and fraught issues become effortless through his voice.
"The Rebel’s Clinic:The Revolutionary Lives of Frantz Fanone" by Adam Shatz. The Rebel’s Clinic is a seering look into the stunning life and mind of psychiatrist and activist Frantz Fanone, whose work influenced numerous modern movements including “Black Lives Matter.” It’s a deeply intellectual yet accessible work that explores the complicated moral dilemmas of rebelling against oppression and the psychological toll dissent can take. This book is revelatory. It lit me up on many levels, showed me more of what I have yet to unlearn, and left me deeply inspired.
a few books released this year I hope to enjoy before it’s over:
Outshining Trauma: A New Vision of Radical Self-Compassion by my friend and former colleague Ralph de la Rosa
important, enlightening article:
What’s happening in America today is something darker than a misinformation crisis. It's a cultural assault on any person or institution that operates in reality.“The truth is, it’s getting harder to describe the extent to which a meaningful percentage of Americans have dissociated from reality.” This is a collective issue that’s not going away on its own and is asking, through very dangerous circumstances, to be dealt with.
watch & listen:
Helena Bonham Carter reads “I Worried” by Mary Oliver
32 Sounds is documentary that weaves together 32 different recordings as well as images, music and voice-over to create a meditation on sound, which is used to consider our experience of being alive. Sam Green, the director, wrote this very compelling piece about his friendship with Annea Lockwood, who inspired his films about sound. “There’s something I started writing about, about a year ago: listening ‘with’ as opposed to listening ‘to.’ And it’s my sense that if I’m standing here, I’m just one of many organisms that are listening with one another within this environment.”
Don’t miss the heartwarming, funny, tender documentary “Will & Harper” to go on a road trip with Will Ferrell and his longtime friend Harper, formerly a writer for Saturday Night Live and who has recently come out/transitioned as a trans woman. (Full disclosure: Harper is a good friend of good friends who I’ve had the pleasure of hanging out on a couple of occasions.)
a favorite album of 2024
Nala Sinephro “Endlessness.” I guess the genre is jazz, but my sense is many listeners who aren’t jazz fans will love this beautiful music. It’s ambient without being minimalist or quiet. It’s dreamy without being sleepy. It’s effervescent but not hyper. It’s rich, thoughtful, at times dramatic. It’s been on repeat in my world since its release over the summer. I love the way it makes me feel. I’d could totally live in it. Spotify | Bandcamp
what’s up in Wandering Around Vagus?
This month’s Wandering Around Vagus is about vagal tone, how to feel the vagus nerve and work with it as it helps us function physically, emotionally and in all things we do. (Wandering Around Vagus is my other newsletter about the vagus nerve and polyvagal theory.) Join WAV here.
That’s it for now. Thanks for reading.
With Love + Falling Leaves,
Loved reading this Tina. Thank you 🙏