Bye bye dissociation, hello tightrope dancing era

+ links & great tools

Question. If the pandemic years were a traumatic “era of dissociation” and the years before 2020 were the “beforetimes,” what do we call the period we’re entering now?

I don’t blame you for not wanting to think about it. But words do come to mind--many are paradoxically unspeakable yet risky to leave in the shadows.

Because this elephant in the room is too large to ignore, let’s briefly acknowledge the rapid, top-down, senseless attack that’s being carried out on all of us. And let’s nod toward the perpetrators, the haters and hungry ghosts that are loudly pretending they loom large to make us feel small. We don’t need a paragraph description of their crimes and corruptions anymore than a list of predictions about where all this is likely to head.

Still, the extremity of this thugish madness is shocking but also not surprising. I saw some of it coming at least a decade ago and have been psychologically steeling myself for the onslaught--to the extent such a steeling is actually possible.

The questions that deserve our attention and that this post scratches its head over are around what we do now--like, how do we cope and protect ourselves, and ultimately, how do we avoid contributing to the madness? Let’s withhold the political opinions that these inquiries provoke and focus instead on the existential threats we face and how we might survive and maybe even thrive under such a hostile takeover.

There are things we can safely disregard for now. One example--we’re often best served by staying focused on our own routines and affairs instead of being distracted by the glaring and blaring kayfabe. This is very true, thankfully. And we’re right to shun this nonsense.

But we know two opposite things can be true at once and that it’s not so simple as ignoring dramatic displays. The fake Bond villians are also doing much of what they said they would do. And, tuning out is exactly how they need us to respond, to shift our eyes away from all our resources and everything we hold sacred so they can more easily wreak havoc on all of it.

Finally, here’s a point I truly want to make and you likely want to read...

Meanwhile, not everything is torture or a test. We’re hardwired with a powerful and glorious built-in survival system that is switched on by things we love. It’s not just about listing the things we love and feeling gratitude; it’s about how we love these things and what happens because we do so.

First, the things. We love to make and enjoy art, culture, beauty, hobbies, nature, just to name a few for starters. We love our people and earnestly work on building and maintaining relationships with them. We get lost in good books, take refuge in our favorite music and crave nourishment from an array of sources extending well beyond the culinary. We take extra long baths at home and hold deep conversations in the noisy comfort of coffeeshops. We automatically stop busying ourselves to play with children and animals and laugh easily as we find our dorky selves singing alone in a car. We know exactly which movies to watch when we’re sad, the exact moment during the afternoon when we need to rush outside and drink in the fresh air, and when to slow down and open so a momentary reflection can rise from our hut (heart + gut) to crystallize in our mind--ding!

Wonder-filled tendencies effortlessly regulate our nervous system 24/7 so long as we allow them. They continually move us toward resilience and we don’t have to pay them a nickel or micromanage any of it.

Then, there’s the history and legacy of the love. Every era ushers in a unique set of challenges and gifts that will gel into its own set of defining memories, phrases, colors, soundtracks, smells and textures. We seek out the medicine we need at any given time and allow it to restore us until our thirsts move us onward to begin what will become our next era.

We’re creatures of a very human desire that gets us into trouble and then saves us--though not always tidily, in proper order, or on time. To dream of a better world while trapped in an awful one is a radical act of defiance. A simple everyday act of care can become a stunning gesture of kindness. Every day that our desire continues to burn means we’re still pointing our compass in the directions we want to go.

This new era makes me feel like I’m on a tightrope. Instead of walking across, I’m dancing? Maybe because dancing feels more willful and creative or rebellious and sassy or maybe dancing actually helps me balance in a weird way? I’m only a few steps into the crossing but so far haven’t fallen off? I seem to be traveling lightly and moving in a way that’s true to me but also new? I’m somehow both careful and bold but also totally seized by terror? Every cell feels like it’s vibrating at 100% biointelligence, but I’m not actually thinking because I am all precarious balance and wobble as I seem to be learning that, despite my struggling, I’m so much more than I would have ever guessed. (Yay, I never get tired of learning this one.)

Right now, I imagine my left hand holding an instrument of creation (what is it?); in the right, my weapon for slaying (what is it?). I hope to use these implements with dexterity and aplomb at precisely the right moment, and eventually to unburden myself of their weight as I lay them down and walk away after they’ve served their noble purpose.

I hope we _______, because we can.

(Fill in the blank with any or all below.)

• remember to breathe deeply yet naturally, even in anxious moments

• stay upright and confident

• practice our bobbing and weaving

• take up space, even when we feel awkward

• talk to strangers while looking them in the eyes

• watch, listen, and develop a sensitivity that helps us know when to speak up and when to stay quiet

• accept both the nudges to toughen up and “just do it” and the whispers to ease up and be tender

• learn through failure without shame, unapologetic in our growth

• check on others even when we’re not feeling social, knowing a dopamine boost awaits everyone involved

• find that waking up, even in the worst times, is still a blessing--maybe the greatest blessing of all

• keep phones out of the bedroom, and find satisfaction in just closing our eyes and allowing the swirling detritus to float away for awhile

• drink a full glass of water before picking the phone up or turning on the news

• learn to notice how we feel as we approach toxic spaces--whether physical or digital

• consider not entering spaces when we’re hit with a full body “no” or when feeling a sick, foreboding heaviness in the gut or any sense of dissociation

• feel permission to say out loud, “I don’t like how I feel when I...” without needing to add anything more

• remember we’re doing the best we can and don’t have to let judgment shut down our progress

• hone our “witness consciousness”

“Witness consciousness” is a pure form of witnessing experienced by most people only in momentary flashes. In these moments, we’re bearing witness with as much awareness as is available, without overthinking. Witness consciousness is a single consciousness composed of two unified yet distinct components--our ability to “be” in an experience without self-consciousness that helps us discern what they experience IS, while also holding an awareness of ourselves “having” the experience that helps us discern how we and the experience relate to and affect one another. The all-encompassing awareness of witness consciousness promotes deep calm, connection and understanding, both during and after said experience.

I think about witness conscious all the time, but probably now more than ever.

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Below are links to that have helped me through the unsettling first part of this new era. Some are simply soothing, others are for facing harder truths that help heal and reclaim power. They’re organized by category.

ART & EXPLORATION

• Dinner Music is just what it sounds like--fun, sophisticated pop music from all around the world that offers a great musical backdrop to an evening with friends, and that, of course, you can listen to anytime, anywhere you want. And it’s also a newsletter that arrives with album recs and a playlist by Jacqui Devaney, the host. It’s organized thematically for smoothe listening. (Spotify ONLY.)

• The River Runner website that lets you track a virtual raindrop's journey from any point on Earth to its final destination in the ocean. Watch your droplet flow, via 3D visualization, through rivers and streams, based on real geographic data. Fun, educational, oddly relaxing and kind of addictive.

• Charlie Chaplin’s final speech in “The Great Dictator”: “We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little.” Watch the scene here (3.5 minutes long)

• Have some delicious library ASMR...turning the pages of a medieval choirbook. Exhale and soften.

• “A View from a Bridge” is a project by artist Joe Bloom who asks passersby to pause on a bridge and let themselves be filmed as they speak into an old school telephone about whatever is on their mind and heart. Touching glimpses into the lives of strangers.

INSPIRATION-SUPPORT

• “Everyone’s lonely but no one can hang out.” Why Amamda Litman and her husband have committed to having a dinner party every Saturday for a year.

• Listen and/or read: Brian Eno talking about why singing is the key to a long life. 🥰

• “After reading the works of psychologist Carl Jung, I see midlife introspection as a necessity.” Why middle-aged people have a duty to be self-centered

• If you haven’t listened to AOC’s longish but very worth it, very empowering and grounding talk, please do. This message went superviral for a reason.

• Our increasingly noisy world has been linked to cardiovascular disease, anxiety and depression, as well as hearing loss. But that’s not the only reason we need more peace and quiet in our lives.

TOOLS

• Bookshop is now selling eBooks. Another Amazon kindle alternative, and a good one. I share this because love Bookshop and because Amazon played major monopoly games to prevent Bookshop from reaching this milestone.

• Sabin Center for Climate Change Law has begun tracking US government actions on climate change in launching three publicly-accessible online tracking tools: the Climate Backtracker will record any actions to weaken or eliminate federal climate protections, the Inflation Reduction Act Tracker will track changes in the status of climate programs established via the Inflation Reduction Act, and the Silencing Science Tracker (co-maintained with the Climate Science Legal Defense Fund) to monitor anti-science actions. Click through and have a look at what’s going on. (At the time of this writing, all these websites were still up. Fingers crossed they won’t be deleted.)

• Formalize your pod. You might already casually “have” one with friends or family, but consciously formalize it with all members as a living resource before, not after, you truly need your pod. Update your pods often. Info on podmapping.

• Listen and/or read about “psychological first aid”, how anyone can learn it, and how it’s being used in the LA neighborhood of Altadena in the wake of the fires. I call it Emotional First Aid. These techniques work in smaller, everyday “emergencies” as well as major crises.

• I’m offering audio and other materials from a Emotional First Aid course I taught during the pandemic. Access these materials, and many others, 24/7 with a paid subscription of $5/month.

• A few very good ways to stay grounded, focused and on track in the midst of stress, despair and overwhelm. I endorse all of these. Try them all, some will work better for you than others.

• My favorite tool of all: “The Make a Plan” workbook by the one and only Miriam Kaba can help anyone find their way with creativity and authenticity. I’m printing mine out and working through it with a pen. If you’d like to work through this with me and/or with others, reach out by replying to this email. Let me know whether you prefer to work with just me or a group. Download here:

Make A Plan Booklet

242KB ∙ PDF file

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That’s it. Thanks for being here and for reading. Thanks for giving a damn. Please, do no harm, but take no sh*t. Ask for what you need, I’ll try to do the same. We are in this together.

With Love + Tightropes,

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